I cant believe that my last blog was on New Years eve 2021! Honestly thought id be updating you all a lot sooner with some exciting boob news but nope!
A fair bit has happened since 2021. I started looking back through Facebook and my extensively detailed calendar to try and fill you in but there is just too much to cover off. I wouldn’t know where to start!
Big milestone since my last blog, I was fortunate enough to have turned 40! And loved every minute of it. I wanted to make my 40th year a big one and whilst I did a lot, I was dubious to plan too much in case my op date came up and I had to cancel everything. I saw my 40th as a real celebration. I was not sad that I’m “middle aged” but bloody glad that I AM 40! I have managed to survive on this planet, just about, for 40 whole years.
I am still here and I am very grateful for that. There are many people who I know are not as lucky as me and because of this it makes me very appreciative of the life that I have. I have very intense feelings of shame or guilt about my survival sometimes, and find it especially hard to keep asking myself why I survived when others did not. Every time someone dies as a result of cancer its very triggering for me. I want to reach out and comfort their friends and family but don’t know if they might feel resentment towards me that I am still here and someone they loved has not been so fortunate?
Operation “New Boob” is go, go, go!
I was hoping that 2022 was going to be “New Year. New Boob” but no such luck. The waiting lists for “Delayed reconstructive surgery” like mine is huge. At the moment the average wait time is about 4 years! Mainly as a result of covid and various strike action. Unfortunately this list gets longer and longer each time there is a new cancer patient who needs immediate reconstruction so that they can begin chemo etc. Whilst I get that, me and my foob have had enough of each other now and I feel that our time to part ways is loooooooong overdue. My expander was only supposed to be in for 18 months before it “expired” I’m now just and just past the 3 year mark. When I was told it would “expire” I have visions of it looking like an old apple shrivelling up in a fruit bowl. You’ll be pleased to hear, this is not the case, and whilst it still remains incredibly uncomfortable, it still looks great and helps me to feel more like me.
I was told in June that my DIEP Op would be the 31st of October 2023. A new boob for Halloween! In true Amy fashion, I got to work and planned the next 4 months running up to this to within an inch of its life. I booked nights out, festivals, dinner parties, BBQs, Friday night pints, holidays, dog sitters etc. Operation “New boob” was good to go. Told work what to expect, told friends and family what to expect. I joined forums, I watched YouTube videos of the operation, I even scheduled in my out of office! Bring it on.
Once all the menial tasks had been done I then needed to get myself ready both physically and mentally. Yes I knew this was coming, Yes I’d had three years to prepare but all of a sudden things got very real.
It has taken me three years to come to terms with how my body has changed and what I now look like. The adjustments I need to make day to day, the ones that I know that other people don’t see. The fact I have to make one bra strap shorter on the left side to pull my “good” boob up in line with my other one! The fact my hair is like the most awful dry afro you have ever seen and wash and go, is never an option anymore. There are certain physical moves that I cant do very well in the gym anymore. Reaching up high with my right arm is nearly impossible where I have been sewn up so tight so I can’t reach the top of the wardrobe. The dog pulling on my right arm on a walk hurts. I get tired! People laugh at the fact I love a nap, but I need it, the ongoing fatigue is very hard to manage, and no amount of sleep shifts it. I was told by my breast care nurse that radiotherapy works in your body for years and years to come and that is what contributes to the fatigue. I am also on Tamoxifen which is like a small, daily dose of chemo. This also stops my oestrogen production which makes me tired and makes my bones ache. But, I have almost got used to all of this now and I know what I can and cant do.
There is a big change coming and I’m currently trying to prepare myself for that.
Once again, its time for me to dig out the big girl pants, pull them up and psych myself up for a very dramatic Halloween!
Slight change of plans
We were on holiday in Zante in September, celebrating our wedding anniversary when an email came through from Andrea, the patient coordinator at Southmead Hospital.
“Unfortunately, your surgery that was scheduled for the 31st of October has had to been cancelled. I apologize for the inconvenience. We have an urgent patient needing surgery on this date. At the moment we are unable to give you another date. When I can I will give you a call”
I sat by the pool with my pina colada and I cried. I couldn’t believe it. After all this time, I’d got so close and it was cancelled. I had spent the last week putting a lot of time and effort in to even-ing out my tan ready for the op and all my efforts had gone to waste! I messaged everyone that needed to know and tried to not let it play on my mind for the rest of the holiday. I knew that my time would come again but this just wasn’t it. What was even more sad, was that once again, some unsuspecting woman had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had no idea what lay ahead.
When I returned from holiday, I rang the hospital. I thought id be able to hold it together, but I was wrong. I burst in to tears to this poor secretary who could do nothing but apologize. I tried to pin her down to an idea of a date, but she told me there was absolutely no way of telling. It might be 6 weeks; it might be another 6 months. She did say that it is very unlikely it would be this year.
Fuck it then! I can’t keep putting my life on hold. So, I went about booking the next 3 months up to new year with nights out with friends, trips away, my annual Christmas drinks and beige buffet, anything that was on, I was there! I got my head back in to the fact that work was not going to be winding down but would be a busy as ever. At least it would keep my mind off of things.
Then…on the 11th of October in the middle of a works call the hospital rang “you can have the 4th of Nov or the 5th December” immediately I thought “well I can’t miss carnival and fireworks night and I’ve got things planned in November” but I was happy to have a quiet Christmas “The 5th. Let’s do it. Book me in for the 5th” and that was it. I was all booked in! once again I had a date and had to set about preparing.
The Operation
When I told a friend the other day, I was finally having my reconstruction done he said “ah ok cool. Nothing to serious then” and I laughed. Only a 9–10-hour op, 4 days in hospital, 6 weeks without driving and approx. 12 weeks until I will be able to lift anything heavier than a kettle. So no, nothing too serious.
I’m sure people think I’m just having a silicone implant put in. Which I’m not. And why? You might ask. It was decided that I was too young to be having an implant. They need to be changed every 10 years and I do not want to be having a boob job when I’m 70 thanks!
So, what are they doing…if you are squeamish, maybe don’t read this paragraph or look at the picture.
I will be cut from hip to hip, and they will remove an oval/eye shaped section of tissue and skin from my stomach. They will have to part my abdomen to get to the blood vessel behind this. Once they have said piece of tissue (with the blood vessel attached) they will remove my expander, break my ribs and pull a blood vessel from behind, through, to attach to the tissue and blood vessel from my stomach. This will ensure the tissue has a blood supply and stays alive. The top layer of skin will be removed from the tissue (Like taking the cracking off your Sunday pork) and the tissue will be pushed inside me to form a new boob. The boob will then be sewn up with hopefully not much more scaring than I had from my mastectomy.
Then…. they have to sew me back together! They will pull the top of my stomach down and the bottom part of me up to meet somewhere in the middle. Before doing this, they need to adjust the position of my belly button! Apparently your bellybutton is attached to your abdomen and is on a little stalk! So, when they pull my tummy down (like a jumper) they make an incision to move it. Gross!
I will have two drains in my stomach and one in my boob. These will stay in for approx. 2 of the 4 days that I am in hospital.
Then I’m done! Good to go!
Fun fact – I was told by my breast cancer nurse that as my new boob will be made from stomach tissue, and not breast tissue, if I am the kind of person who puts on weight on their stomach, this will now go to my boob. She followed this with an example “So if you have a good Christmas you may end up with one boob bigger than the other!” GREAT!
6 weeks and counting
I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty terrified now. I have no other choice other than to go through with this, but I’m scared. I wasn’t scared when I had my mastectomy because I was having the cancer removed and I couldn’t wait to get it gone. This is very different.
Whilst waiting for my toast to cook earlier I even thought to myself “maybe I wont bother with it and see if there is something else that can be done” But I know there isn’t, I know this is what I opted for 3 years ago when I agreed to the mastectomy, and this has been the plan all along.
What will I look like? Will I be able to deal with it? What if I can’t? What if I hate the way I look? What if the operation goes wrong? So many what ifs. I said to Spence the other day “what if I hate myself after?” and in true Spence style he just said, “But what if you don’t?” and he is right.
I might like the fact that at long last I don’t feel like I am lying on a tennis ball every night when I try and sleep. That I don’t have to worry about someone bumping into me in a crowd and popping my boob! That I won’t set the metal detectors off at the airport every time we go away (My expander has a metal valve on it) That all being well I should have a lovely flat stomach! The scars will fade as will the pain and I can focus on getting back to being fit and active again.
I’ve been attending a lot of fitness classes with an amazing lady called Alice. “Iron Ladies Fitness” She is brilliant, and I haven’t enjoyed exercising as much before as I do now with her. She really works me hard. People have commented on how my body has changed in only a few months which is lovely to hear. I will be sad to stop the classes while I recover but really looking forward to when I can get back to it. Last 6 weeks push before the op! I’ve got this!
Anyway, off to an appointment to write my will now! So will update you all with pics and all the gory details as soon as I have them!
I’d love some visitors when I am home so please feel free to come and see me, and don’t forget Spence (That’s mainly aimed at all you lads!) Once again, he is going to have to be my primary carer through my recovery on this and I’m not underestimating the impact this is going to have on him and the rest of my family. Anyone who wants to pop him round a roast dinner, or go and have a pint with him while I’m in hospital, I’m sure it would help take his mind off of things.